Thursday, June 21, 2012

NMAM, Day 21

Migraine Awareness Month #21: "Shaking in My Boots." What's your biggest Migraine related fear. How do you cope with it?

I'm afraid of being pointless, useless and of wasting my life. I'm afraid of being beaten down by the pain and isolation and not being able to get back up. I'm afraid that I'll never get to do the things I want to do and I'll die unfulfilled, alone and desperate.

So, I try my hardest at school, though my progress seems imperceptible at this point. I make a point of spending time with my favorite people, even if it lays me out for a week. And I try not to dwell on my fears because while being afraid might be motivation for not sitting around pouting, it can also be disabling in itself. I have some anxiety attached to my migraines now, which is a futile, self-defeating kind of fear. Anxiety is worse than pain sometimes, because it feels like I should be able to control it. The logical half of my brain doesn't suffer fools, and feeling so afraid of the sun that I cry for an hour and never end up leaving the house makes me feel incredibly foolish, even while it's happening. So, I've been training myself not to dwell on negative thoughts and when I start feeling those twinges of panic, I try to talk myself down and can usually stop the tailspin before it becomes a full-on anxiety attack.

I'm getting better and better at overcoming fear, and it's an amazing feeling. Every time I do something that scares me, I grow a little bigger inside.