Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Loudly And Proudly Is The Goal

I had a dream that I was singing for a group of people.

It was going badly and I was embarrassed, so my song went quiet. But when I looked at the faces of people around me, they were all smiling, rooting for me, enjoying my terrible music. I shucked off the embarrassment as I flung my head back and sang loudly and proudly. As my confidence grew, my voice started sounding amazing, and I hit notes that made me laugh and cry in the same breath.

I remembered the dream suddenly, several hours after waking. At first, I thought it was a memory, when did that happen? But I quickly recognized the feeling of it, it was recent, but so faded. A dream. Just a dream.

I think it's about stepping out of my comfort zone (by starting school again after more than a decade) and learning to trust the people around me to support me. Also, maybe I need to learn how not to take it personally if they don't.


Anonymous said...

You sure packed a lot into this post! Question: were you ever a singer? I was a singer in high school, in several choruses and in the band, and playing music is one of the things I miss most about having migraines.

Also, this idea of not taking it personally if your people around you don't support you -- can you elaborate on this? How do you intend to learn how do it? (Er... in case you can't tell, I have problems with this step.)

steph said...

I keep reminding myself that everyone has their own life. We're all here together, but our perspectives are wildly different, depending on our experiences. And we have the freedom to make choices. I can choose to sing, or school, and someone can choose to criticize me, then I can choose to criticize them right back, or I can dismiss their comments and move on to other, more important and interesting choices. It's constant practice, really.

Also, the honeybadger is my patronus. :)

As for singing, I am really unapologetically terrible. But I've always loved music and lyrics and just belting it out because it was there. Even now, with migraines constantly shushing me, I sing quietly.

Sue said...

Steph, you are SO ready for this!! How exciting!

On a side note: true story.......it was always just generally accepted in my family of origin that "we can't sing". We didn't even sing Happy Birthday to each other.

I was over 40 when I challenged that family assumption. With a dear friend, I worked on "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen. When we had a time and talent auction at church, I told the congregation that if they raised a certain amount, I would sing the solo in church with my friend on guitar.

Of course they raised the money.

I was SO scared, I asked the children to hold my hands and stand in a circle around me for support.

My friend and I rocked it.

I can sing.

I haven't looked back.

My family still doesn't sing b/c for them, the myth is still true. Me? I sing all the time.

You're going to rock this school thing.

steph said...

Sue, this is a GREAT story. And perfectly timed, because I am so battling with self-doubt. But this is exactly the mentality I've been trying to summon: so what if I can't sing, so what if I haven't been in school in a thousand years, so what if I have no idea what I'm doing? I'll practice. And I'll get better.

Thanks. :)