Friday, December 26, 2014

Progress is Perfect Enough

So, I made it through xmas without too much pain or stress, and it's mostly due to avoiding everything.

I have this tradition with my grandfather that we go shopping together for xmas, I help him pick out gifts for my parents, brother, and boyfriend, and of course he prompts me repeatedly to pick out things along the way that I would like. He's a sweet man, kind and patient. He's always been supportive and empathetic and is one of my few family members that hasn't completely disappeared from my life since I got sick. I make a point of being well enough to go out with him, even if I'm really not, because he's one of my favorite people in the world. I skipped several events this holiday season, but his and my annual shopping trip was not one of them. And it was great, as expected.

And then I saw him again at my parents' house xmas day and he told me his new years' resolution was to get up to see me more often! I need more people in my life like him, this can only be good for me.

Xmas eve was at home, and it was very quiet. My boyfriend had a spine procedure during the day, so we took it easy, watched Trading Places and opened stockings, which were stuffed with little things we'd gotten each other and ourselves at the dollar store.

Xmas day was at my parents' and we spent hours talking about nothing and hanging out. Everyone was in a good mood, I brought my own snacks (these amazing veggie chips I found at 7-11) and there were nuts I could eat, so it was pretty much a perfect day.

I'm having quite the migraine hangover today though; so much nausea, confusion, and overall malaise, I can hardly move. I've been soothing my addled brain with Gilmore Girls, and they aren't a bad remedy for what ails me. At least, they are a light-hearted distraction.

I expect the new year to be quiet as well, and to pass as any other day. I feel like I spent much of this year being frustrated and anxious, and I'll be glad to see the end of it. Not that it was a total loss, I set some boundaries in my life and have been successfully reinforcing them, I've continued to exercise every day I can, I've maintained my mostly vegan diet, and I've even been writing a little. But, I've been very bothered by not being in school lately, and the feeling of aimlessness is not a comfortable one.

I hope 2015 is more focused, more productive, and I'd like more control, more freedom, and I could probably stand some clarity. Couldn't we all.


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Self-Indulgence, A Panacea

This has been a trying time for me.

I started this blog to deal with the 16,000 stages of grief that I was going through with the chronic migraines. I detailed my symptoms and treatments, worked out my every thought and emotion about being chronically ill and relatively young, and just as I was starting to feel like I had a real solid grip on living this altered life, the IC got all serious on me, and now I feel like I should start an IC blog, detailing my every thought and emotion, symptom and fear, and how goddamn irritating this diet is and how terrible I am at following it.

I mean, I'm pretty good at it, but if you ever eat anything from a box, jar or can, there's a 99% chance that it violates the IC diet somehow. When my head hurts or I'm depressed, I forget to read labels, and it's practically guaranteed that after I've eaten enough to hurt, I'll remember and find soy lecithin or citric acid or cinnamon. I'm so tired of being in pain.

It doesn't help that I've been waking up with migraines every other morning for the past week, and this morning seems to be a juicy one. I feel a little depressed, but not too bad, because I have two things to hold onto right now, and I'm holding them tight.

1. I decorated for xmas. For the first time in years, I put on some holiday music and slowly set up our wee, two-foot tall tree, decorated it with the tiny ornaments I could hardly remember having, and hung the stockings by the chimney with care. It's a little thing, it only took me an hour or so, but it's the first time that I've decorated my home for christmas, and enjoyed it. I even found a few bells in the ornament bag (a sandwich ziplock lol) and hung one on each of our stockings, so we'll hear if St. Nick puts anything in them.

2. I'm writing a story. I haven't written anything like this ever, so it's exciting and scary and all those emotions we get when we do something we're not sure we can do.

They're little things, but I'm doing them both just for me, and that makes them both feel very indulgent, which I think is good for the soul.

As the wise Donna Meagle says, "Treat. Yo. Self."