Monday, March 16, 2009

Concessions Made: More on Triggers and Dealing

I've made a lot of changes for my head, not that she's grateful. The bitch keeps on nagging at me, dull and sharp, sometimes only quiet as a whisper, but often a roar. It's like, I give in already, what do you want from me? Can I never have cheese again? Cause I won't. Even though I really love cheese.

Dietary Concessions: So, cheese I am holding onto, but just barely. I'm eating it very rarely, despite the longing. I'm not eating any synthetic sugars and have dramatically cut my consumption of high fructose corn syrup. I drink almost no caffeine, and am really considering avoiding it altogether, even for rescue/preventative purposes. I feel it causes rebound headaches. A rebound headache may be preferable if say, I need to make it through a family gathering without biting anyone's head off, but on a daily, or even weekly basis, it is to be avoided.

Nocturnal Admissions:
Many years ago, there was a documentary on tv about some children who were allergic to light. They never went outside during the day, had their windows all covered and, I believe, had to wear long sleeved even in normal artificial light. I really identify with those kids. The sun has become my enemy, along with most other sources of light, including my computer and tv. So, I wear sunglasses a lot. Despite the glasses, I stay indoors on sunny days unless it's unavoidable. Which is fabulous cause I got a cute little tramp stamp when I was 18 and I chose what to emblazon on my lower back? The sun. Of course. I really should rethink living in California. Maybe London? It's pretty foggy there, right? I have also considered going totally nocturnal, but so far, my internal clock won't allow it.

Unpopular Events: I've never been a fan of crowds. People are loud, they smell, they want me to talk to them and sometimes touch me. I was always able to deal with the discomfort though, for the sake of a concert, festival, or a good party. Now, however, if I see more than a casual milling of people, I feel a sudden urge to bolt another direction. People give me a headache. Too much stimulus. My handy-dandy boyfriend says I take in too much information and overload. He's not wrong, but there are more stages than those two. The final stage is migraine. So, I tend to be anti-social.

Extra Baggage: I now carry a huge purse with me everywhere I go. This may seem like a weird thing to mention, but it's been hurting my back lately. Just kidding. Well, it is, but I've got bigger fish to fry. Point: Humongous purse is required to carry all of my necessary-for-not-imploding-in-public items. ie: Water, earplugs, sunglasses, prescription glasses, pills, a stash of weed (if possible and appropriate), notebook, crackers, cough drops (excellent weapon against smells, plus menthol is soothing to my head), rolled up mittens and scarf in the winter, my small headache notebook, and then the standard wallet, keys, chapstick, phone and menstrual supplies. I need a freaking huge purse. In fact, I think I need a bigger one.

Stephie can you hear me?:
I've mentioned that I wear earplugs pretty frequently, but I actually need to start using them more in public. I just feel self-conscious about breaking the rules of society. It's about being rude. And I'm not sure if it even makes sense, but it's ingrained in me. I usually just end up leaving a place if it gets too loud and I'm feeling weird about wearing the earplugs, which results in me missing a lot and makes me sad. So, I'm trying to get over this misplaced awkwardness and embrace the silent world.

Lack of Stimulation: I miss caffeine. I love coffee. I can't say how many red bulls I used to drink in a day. Diet Pepsi was my lifeblood. Now all I drink is water. Water and decaf tea. Boring. Sad. I guess I can always drink decaf coffee. It just seems like an atheist going to church, somehow disingenuous.

Smells like migraine!: I gave up all the nicotine a while back, but that was easy. I'd smoked for about 10 years, and it was time to quit. My head may be weak, but my will, she is strong. I think that my previous life as a smoker is making me more sensitive to second and third hand smoke. Strong smells in general are bad for me, but the smell of cigarettes sends me into a rage. Especially when it's coming from my normally very supportive and sensitive-to-all-these-new-quirks boyfriend. Oh yes. He still smokes. I try to avoid fighting about it. He knows how I feel and I know that he is unlikely to stop. At least once a week I yell at him for it, anyway. Logic tries to explain that I can't control him, or anyone else, but Impulse yells anyway. Logic also tries to explain that yelling hurts, but again, Impulse is... impulsive and tends to yell if she feels yelly. Head be damned. My alternative to yelling is to announce, "TOXIC!" whenever I smell it on him, and leave the room, or hide in my sweatshirt until the problem is corrected. It's weird. That's what happens when Logic and Impulse cooperate. I do weird shit.

Finally, chill the hell out: I try to maintain calm at all times. I practice deep breathing, I completely ignore things I can't cope with until I can cope with them, and disagreements with the boyfriend can take days to resolve because I can't get too heated. I get heated at the drop of a hat. Chronic migraines make me touchy.


Tallis said...

I love cheese too! I finally have given it up. It was so hard :( Next thing I need to give up is chocolate, this one is even harder. Only time I run into a cheese issue is when my friends and I are all hanging out and they want a fast dinner all together... this means the "typically college dinner" - pizza. Oh what I would give for a slice of pizza.