Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Chronic illness as fuel for creativity

It's not surprising that I'm able to create from the pain. That's where it always comes from. I wrote tortured, angsty poems in junior high because I was tortured and angsty. In high school, it was more about rebelling against labels, so I dressed funny and wrote provocative poems and stories. Now, the pain is physical, which is why I didn't go straight for the pen when I was having trouble dealing with it. I had no idea that creativity would help, despite having seen a thousand after-school specials that told me so. But once I started writing about it, it became so therapeutic. It helped me analyze what I was going through objectively. I don't like being a victim. It's so passive. But I don't know how to fight my head. I have no control over this situation. Writing gives me the illusion of control that I need to still be happy and be in chronic pain.

I have made a couple pictures and drawings, posted a few entries back, and while I am very aware that my talents do not lie in the visual arts, having physical evidence of what hurts is worth the inner cringing at my clumsiness. I want to get into more mediums like clay and metal. Actual painting would be cool, too, but I don't know about the smell.

While I don't want to dwell on my pain, I haven't felt this creative in years. So, I'm running with it and hoping that this inspiration will bleed over into other areas. If I only create migraine art for the rest of my life, at least I will have been productive.

On that note: I'm trying to be as active as possible, doing laundry, on the internet. I may be simultaneously distracting myself (good!) and making myself worse. (bad!) It will get better.

1 comments:

Megan Oltman said...

Good for you Stephanie! It always amazes me how much it helps to be creative, and some of what I create I think is really worth something! thanks for visiting my blog too!