Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Chronic illness as fuel for creativity

It's not surprising that I'm able to create from the pain. That's where it always comes from. I wrote tortured, angsty poems in junior high because I was tortured and angsty. In high school, it was more about rebelling against labels, so I dressed funny and wrote provocative poems and stories. Now, the pain is physical, which is why I didn't go straight for the pen when I was having trouble dealing with it. I had no idea that creativity would help, despite having seen a thousand after-school specials that told me so. But once I started writing about it, it became so therapeutic. It helped me analyze what I was going through objectively. I don't like being a victim. It's so passive. But I don't know how to fight my head. I have no control over this situation. Writing gives me the illusion of control that I need to still be happy and be in chronic pain.

I have made a couple pictures and drawings, posted a few entries back, and while I am very aware that my talents do not lie in the visual arts, having physical evidence of what hurts is worth the inner cringing at my clumsiness. I want to get into more mediums like clay and metal. Actual painting would be cool, too, but I don't know about the smell.

While I don't want to dwell on my pain, I haven't felt this creative in years. So, I'm running with it and hoping that this inspiration will bleed over into other areas. If I only create migraine art for the rest of my life, at least I will have been productive.

On that note: I'm trying to be as active as possible, doing laundry, on the internet. I may be simultaneously distracting myself (good!) and making myself worse. (bad!) It will get better.


Megan Oltman said...

Good for you Stephanie! It always amazes me how much it helps to be creative, and some of what I create I think is really worth something! thanks for visiting my blog too!