Sunday, May 6, 2012

Nutrition, Light and Dark

I think all that posting burnt me out a little.

I've had very little inclination to write, and every time I think to open up a new post, I get an overwhelming feeling of disdain, as if blogging has become a burden I no longer want. That's not true, of course, I hope I never stop writing publicly, but I pushed myself really hard last month and now I just don't wanna. I'm even having trouble answering emails in a timely manner.

I am, however, keeping up with my schoolwork like a champ. Nutrition is a mostly interesting subject; besides having a dire need for remedial biology lessons, I'm finding it easy to stay engaged. I aced the first quiz and am feeling okay with the test that's coming this week, though I definitely have more studying to do.

I'm thinking of taking a class over the summer. Maybe. I don't want to hurt myself with my ambition, but I really missed school last quarter. My counselor thinks that I could handle a poli 1 course over the shorter summer quarter, and I have to admit, it sounds so tempting, but heat-induced migraines are a special type of hell and I really don't know that I could handle it. I'm thinking about it. Political Science will still be there in the fall.

My newest love, with the warming of the weather, has been exercise. My stamina continues to grow, I'm building muscle again, and my clothes are even starting to fit a bit differently. I've been hiking, doing yoga, dancing along with music while I clean, and I've even busted out some plie drills (demi, but still). I was pleased that my body still remembered the positions, because my brain certainly didn't, and I was just going to wing it after second, but my hands and feet went automatically to exactly where they were supposed to be. Muscle memory is very cool.

This nutrition class is predictably making me hyper-aware of what we're eating. This has been good because my portion sizes were totally warped and now I can drown just a little bit of pasta in a crap-ton of tomato sauce and proclaim with full innocence that I'm just getting my veggies. This has been bad because I have a history of disordered eating. It's been under control for a long time, but when I'm reading certain sections, it's been coming back, and I have to consciously remind myself of who and where I am, and that I don't need to abuse my body like that anymore.

It's not a serious thing, just some darker thoughts and a few unhealthy impulses that I'm dealing with surprisingly easily, but it bears mentioning. I haven't talked about my eating disorder much on this blog because it doesn't affect my life much, anymore. When I first started thinking these old, destructive thoughts again, it scared me. I thought I might have to drop the class. But I've found that I'm in a really good place to be dealing with these feelings, and I'm almost welcoming the experience. I'm more comfortable with myself than I've been in my life, and I've learned a lot about women's body images and how we tend to form them from completely unrealistic and unfair standards. I've got the knowledge, now, to avoid the pitfalls of trying to be a socially acceptable woman. I realize now that I don't have to be socially acceptable to be happy.


Migrainista said...

So well put. Good luck with your upcoming test!