I've decided that I'm getting back to school this upcoming quarter, even though it cuts into the food budget.
School's become so important to me, it's surprising. I've meant to get back ever since I dropped out, 15 years ago. It wasn't a choice to leave college, I failed out of all of my classes after a particularly difficult time in my life, then spiraled into a depression that lasted over a year. When I finally started getting better, life and work took over and school became something that I wanted, but it was never a good time.
What's funny is that this may actually be the worst time possible for me to be trying to school. Chronic migraines make me stupid, irritable, unfocused and unreliable, and at this point in my life, I am my poorest, my sickest, and my dumbest. If I had chosen to go back to school at almost any other time in the past fifteen years, it would have been easier, but because I don't know that it'll ever get better than this again, I can't rationally let my weaknesses stop me.
Maybe I've seen my mortality, and that's why I'm not fucking around anymore.
But, schooling while being disabled is such a learning experience, and I only sort of mean that sarcastically. The accommodations I need, navigating online education, interacting with peers in an academic setting, it's all new and challenging, and oh, did I need a challenge. My migraines keep me from so much, it's a joy to find something I can do that's actually productive towards bettering my life. I've had a taste and it was good and I want more, more, more of this life betterment!
But, the challenges aren't all joyous. I have a disabilities counselor who is meant to help me with accommodations I need, but she's not been very successful so far. Last quarter, I needed captions and extra time for an intensive assignment. I got neither, but I did get time and a half for tests, which I did not need at all and never asked for. It was a frustrating quarter.
So, for this coming session, I'm being super proactive. I've already emailed the teacher and the class doesn't start for another month and a half. It's probably obnoxious, but last time I left my fate in the hands of someone who was supposed to know what they were doing, I got screwed.
While I'm thankful for the online classes my school offers, as I wouldn't be able attend without them, I'm quickly running through the offerings, and that means I'll have to transfer soon. As much as my current people are frustrating, I'm so not looking forward to starting all over with a new batch. UGH.
School definitely makes me anxious, but I can't possible walk away now. Life betterment. So, I'm taking another class, and I still can't afford it, but I'm doing it anyway, and I'll just have to figure it out later.