Saturday, February 4, 2012

Hope and Futility, Not Mutually Exclusive

How can I simultaneously feel so busy and so lazy at the same time?

I feel like I'm stretched to my limit, just with daily stuff, but that daily stuff can involve painting, wood-chopping and uphill hikes with the dog, so I know in my brain that the nagging feeling of laziness (like when I have to take a prolonged internet break, or sleep for 14 hours, or can't finish the dishes in one shot) is misplaced. I think this guilt is because despite the dramatic reduction in environmental triggers, my head is still limiting me pretty severely, and I'm not getting stuff done in the way I'd like to. By which I mean, all of it, done now. Please, thanks.

I'm still adjusting to this new type of normal and it's still a little strange not to be terrified to leave my house because of the traffic, sunshine, hordes of loud, stinky people, etc. There's no traffic here. Only sunshine filtered through a thick redwood canopy, and chainsaws sometimes. But I control the one who controls the chainsaws, so that's rarely a problem.

I've been applying for scholarships and it feels like the most elaborate exercise in futility I've ever undertaken. I'm using and and have had a tiny bit of success finding stuff to apply for with random googling, but I need moar school money, NOW. Pell grants and other poor people school resources cover most of my tuition and books, but there's a gap that I usually can't cover, and it'd be nice to be able to buy a laptop and to reliably pay for my internet connection, you know?

Speaking of my internet, it was down for several days last week due to non-payment and it was distressing, to say the least, not to have any communication with the outside world. On the bad days I had during that time, I resorted to watching the daytime tv we can get via an antenna and the only good thing I can report there is that the Golden Girls are still the highlight of the airwaves. Otherwise, it's all Kardashian-this and shows with singing-that. Maury's still there, of course, with the baby-daddies and lie-detectors. But all that just makes me sad, I'd almost rather watch Judge Judy, if she wasn't so mean.

I'm still organizing from the move, and probably will be for quite a while. I just keep chipping away. Eventually, I will have disposed of or sorted out ALL THE THINGS. Eventually.

I started a free online coding class at, and it's going so much better than my last class. Programming language is so strange, it's a combination of math and words and making connections and requires some tedious, meticulous work, but I'm seeing some similarities to writing complicated excel formulas, which I used to LOVE when I was in an office setting. I'm hoping that I'll be able to train myself to code, then I'll be able to rake in the big bucks writing brilliant, innovative programs from home, in my comfies. It's good to have a dream, I think.


Heather said...

As a design student I can tell you there IS big $ in coding & it's tough. I, like many other designers, prefer the design side, so there are lots of coding jobs out there. Stick with it if you enjoy it!!