My Head's Been Like This

My migraine symptoms wax and wane, depending on what I'm doing, my environment, how medicated I am, and which way the wind is blowing.

The pain changes frequently. There are old standbys; my eyes, temples, jaw, teeth, and occipital area are all pretty consistent with the gnawing or stabbing or throbbing or aching. But often, I'll be surprised by a wallop to the side of my head, or a persistent needling just behind my ear. Sometimes the pain hits me so hard and fast that I recoil from it, as if the baseball bat I imagine is real. There's a fairly constant dull rumble that comes in waves when I move too fast, or laugh too loud. My brain feels like it short circuits and I have to stop. Just sit still and breathe carefully. If I catch it fast enough, it'll often die back down (until the next time I sneeze. Stupid Spring.) If I don't stop and breathe, or if I'm trapped somewhere that's even mildly triggering, things go very badly, very quickly.

And I am still getting migraines that totally bowl me over at least once a week, no matter how careful and quiet I am. Yesterday, I could hardly walk and talk without crying, I kept imagining my brain on a cheese grater. Every word, sssscrape. Every step, ssssscrape. Nausea and dizziness have been down lately, but confusion, aphasia, impaired motor skills and irritability are way up.

Some days are better, so I take a walk with the dog, or destroy some old clothes trying to figure out how to sew.

Today, my brother graduated from middle school. I dressed up a little, even wore makeup, sat in a folding chair for two hours, chit-chatted, withstood perfume, kept my temper, and smiled for pictures. I didn't make it to the celebratory dinner, and feel like I was hit by a truck, but I'm calling this one a success.



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