Sunday, May 31, 2009


This was not written today. But it was. All of my todays are pretty similar. One runs into the next and I can't always tell them apart. Some days are quieter and some are more active, but all involve pain. Whether something currently hurts or it's just a looming threat, it clouds my perspective and sways my judgment. Here is a day in my life, maybe today.

0630: I wake. I have to pee. If it's still dark outside I hope I can stumble back to bed and get back to sleep. If it's light, I know it's over. There is no such thing as too much sleep. I don't move when I finally accept that I am awake. I wait and see what my head does. Some mornings it's quiet, I'd hardly know it's there, except for the echo of a throb that remains from yesterday's migraine. I stretch gently before I get up, so I don't shock my body in any way. My head doesn't like it when I move too fast. Once I am up and about and have had a pee, I water my plants. I putter and examine for new growth and bugs. I get on the computer and check craigslist, my email and generally net around until my eyes start to ache, which is anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours. I close the laptop and put ice on my head...

0800-1000: ...but it's a token gesture because the headache has arrived and it will not be ignored. I acknowledge it ruefully, medicate and watch TV (unless my head won't allow it, then I just lay down and meditate.) I eat a simple breakfast, like eggs and toast. If I can, I'll do a load of laundry, or wash some dishes. Then I usually have to put ice back on my head and lay down for a while.

1000-1200: I get back on the computer for as long as I can get away with, and look for the miracle job that will fulfill me as a human being while generously allowing for all of my disabilities and personal quirks. No luck, so far.

1200-1400: Eat lunch. Watch TV. (Or not.) My head is already draining my energy and I'm starting to get short. My charmingly spontaneous boyfriend springs it on me that we have to go pay a bill NOW. Which means I will be battling/succumbing to a thousand more triggers that I haven't prepared for. I only have a few spoons left, having spent them on laundry and feeding my dog, so I need to choose my actions carefully. I dress, slowly. It hurts. I put in my earplugs (if they aren't already in) and put on my sunglasses. I drink some coffee. The caffeine halts the headache, usually, and gets me there and home. My short venture into the real world is full of normally benign irritants like SUNSHINE! HONKING HORNS! and CONFUSING TRAFFIC SITUATIONS! (These are all in caps because that is how my head receives them.) Once home, I collapse back into my comfies, relieved.

1400-1700: The caffeine wears off. The headache has renewed its assault. Ice. Water. TV on mute/earplugs. I'm irritable and exhausted, and my nerves are frayed/fried (couldn't decide between euphemisms, there.) I yell for no good reason and regret it a moment later.

1700-2200: I eat dinner, whatever I have the energy to make or can get my culinarily challenged boyfriend to nuke for me. I whine. I snuggle with my ice pack. I watch TV (or not.) Eventually, I go to bed and drop off to sleep, grateful for the reprieve.

Of course, there are variations on the theme. I'll take a slow walk around the block or take the dog to the park on a good day. I might spend time with a friend or hang out with my parents. But that's not on a typical day. I have to save up/spend a lot of spoons to be getting up to those kinds of shenanigans, lately. But it just makes me appreciate life and those I love all the more, and realize now how important that is to me.

Silver linings.