Thanksgiving Realities

The older I get, the more cynical I get about Thanksgiving. The origins of the holiday are total bull, and there are so many people going hungry in this country (in the world) that spending a day stuffing my face in the name of community and gratitude feels a tad hypocritical. And then there's the migraines, so it's not like I'm rushing to the family table where everyone is in their finest and wearing perfume up the whazoo.

Anyway. Today will be spent at home, kind of a normal day save for the menu I'm aiming to cook, if we can get all the food - we have no potatoes at the moment, and if I don't get my mashed tapaytas and mushroom gravy I'll be bummed - and if I can even manage cooking it.

I've still been extraordinarily tired lately, even with supplements and being able to hike again most mornings. Today will be a day for slow and steady progress.

So, if this all works out, it'll be mash and gravy, green beans, a really simple apple, almond, and sweet potato dressing, and maybe some lentil loaf bites.

Tomorrow, we're heading to my parents' house for "leftovers", though knowing my step-dad he may just make a whole new meal.

And I'll just leave this here, because it was informational, funny, and we should all know the truth about our history.

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Coming Back

Ok, I seem to be regaining my balance for the moment, so let's stop to catch up, shall we?

I did, indeed, cut my hours at the dog sitters', and after the initial upset I felt at losing something that felt important to me (a sort-of livelihood, people counting on me, awesome dog interaction all the time), I am realizing that I am slowly regaining the energy to do things around the house, and I went on my first hike in two weeks this morning.

I'm really excited about some wool socks I made on a whim yesterday, too. I haven't sewn in ages beyond basic repairs and was feeling super down about my ability, but then I was inspired to demolish an old wool sweater and turn it into the warmest socks I've ever had on my feet. They look completely wonky, as if I perhaps made them with one eye closed and a hand tied behind my back, but they fit and are comfortable and did I mention warm? Warm.

My head continues to torture me every day, and it's been particularly sensitive the past few weeks, I'm guessing due to the weather finally changing. I'm nauseated a lot, but since I haven't been in a car in a while, it's staying under control with minimal ginger. Those anti-nausea pills were a miracle for a while there, but now I'm kind of afraid to take them, since I only recently got my pooper running regularly again. I did get some fiber powder to use in conjunction with it, but I'm still not rushing for it unless I have to. Next car ride, probably.

The IC is still here. I've read anecdotes of people having full remissions but I don't see that happening for me anytime soon. I'm not in an active flare, and I can currently get away with eating very modest amounts of acidic foods and spices, but there are some things that still trigger pain, like onions, caffeine, or tight pants. I can't complain about it though, considering how ridiculously restricted my diet was this time last year, and oh boo hoo I have to wear stretchy pants for the rest of my life, what ever will I do with all this comfort?

Though, it's funny navigating life as a person who doesn't drink alcohol or caffeine, other people's addictions become very apparent very quickly as they loudly proclaim their inability to EVER go without [drug of choice] and how it's the only reason they get through [minorly unpleasant life experience]. Actually, meat eaters do this with me too, but not smokers, interestingly. I think smoking has just enough stigma now that peer pressure isn't cool anymore. I'm still a jerk (apparently) for telling people not to smoke around me, but they are also a jerk for spreading their toxic clouds of cancer all over, so it's less awkward I think. For me, at least, haha.

And I've joined a forum or two to try and forge more connections in this world. I've been too isolated, so I've got to make social interaction part of my self-care routine, whether my introverted self likes it or not.

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Some Choices Suck

I had to reduce my already measly hours at the dog sitter's and i'm devastated over it.

This feels nothing like when I left my job when I first got sick; that was more like a reclaiming of my life, as if I was taking myself back from the job. But this... I love being with the dogs, and telling the owners that I couldn't be there for them like I'd been trying to feels like a step away from life. I feel like I've lost everything that made me likeable and now I'm just the migraine.

I just feel really lost and sad. That's all.

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Supplements and Deep Thoughts

So, I'm taking a bunch of supplements now.

I've been taking Vitamin D and iron for a while, and when I had a bout of constipation I started taking magnesium. I've made a few more additions to the pill pile and now my nightstand looks comically full of bottles. There were a few things that spurred this latest purchase and I'm not terribly pleased to admit that unsolicited advice was one of them.

A man I was meeting in a casual/professional setting conversationally asked why we'd moved to our current residence several years ago and I answered I had chronic migraines and couldn't live in the city anymore. This was the most succinct I'd ever been in response to a question like this so I was feeling pretty good until he replied, "I had chronic migraines and cured them with vitamin E." My face went into awkward smile mode and I managed a, "Interesting," and let it hang in the air. The subject changed naturally after a few beats and I left the interaction pleased that I managed not to be too weird.

Anyway, I'm not going to dismiss his suggestion just because it was ill-timed, and I knew I remembered something about vitamin E, so I googled it and the first few results told me that a study had shown that people with hormonally triggered migraines had seen benefit from a moderate daily dose of E. It's not too pricey, so I got a bottle. Also, my hands have been hurting lately, and my back hurts every day, so I'm trying out a glucosamine, msm, cmo blend that is meant to be a veg version of glucosamine chondroitin. And I'm finally giving st john's wort a solid try because I've been struggling with depression off and on for years now, but still can't see a shrink because poor people don't get mental health care unless they are institutionalized or drug addicted. While I was at it I got some vitamin C because cold and flu season is officially here - CA had its first death of the year today.

I'm just a harbinger of doom today, aren't I? Life's a struggle, then we die. I'm not feeling particularly down at the moment, but life in general is feeling pretty heavy and I don't want to pretend it's easier or prettier than it is. I've been thinking about this girl who was doing the insta model thing for thousands of dollars a post and suddenly quit and came out with all this honesty about body image and advertising and how she realizes now that synthetic representations of life aren't doing anyone any good, least of all herself. And then I told my bf earlier, "We're the most messed up animals on the planet because we're cursed with all this self awareness. It's painful and terrible that we should know our place in the universe and be so helpless and futile, our condition reduces us to violent, self-serving babies. But humor balances it out, doesn't it? That we can laugh at our pain, and turn the horrors of living and dying into something we can not only appreciate as a commonality that creates and destroys us all, but something we find humor in, gives us strength and a sort of power. At least, it gives us power over our own emotions and reactions, which is all we can hope for sometimes.

Someone close to me got a bad diagnosis, so I'm having a lot of feelings right now I guess. Send me and mine good thoughts if you've got any to spare.


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