Downs and Ups

After my last post, I did not climb out of the depressive hole, but in fact, sank deeper into it.

I keep coming here to try and write about what's happening in my life, but I've been struggling with anxiety and depression and the best thing I could do for myself was to look away from my train-wreck life for a bit and let my inner turmoil work itself out. And now, it has, and I feel obligated to examine this very full plate I have, before things spill over and I start making a general mess of myself. Again.

School: I should have taken the summer off. Lesson learned. This class is not difficult, but keeping up with the quicker pace has been tricky, especially with the added migraine trigger of the summer heat constantly making my head miserable.

I'm actually running out of classes I can take at my current school -- they don't offer online degrees, just a smattering of a selection -- but I think I can stretch it until spring, if I want. But regardless of when I go, I need to start really digging into the application and integration process at my future school, which is intimidating.

Home: Our house has been under construction since we moved in, and while the biggest projects are finally completed (functional septic tank, you are my bestest friend!) many projects are still incomplete, which gives our home an air of disrepair. Also, my landlord/grandparent has never been keen on fixing the place up, and is unreasonable about issues like: mold, dangerously leaning trees, and providing copies of bills that he wants us to pay. I want to move, but we're kind of trapped, since rentals are outrageously priced right now. My whole SSDI payment wouldn't cover the average studio. How do other disabled people afford to live?

Dogs: We're fostering/have adopted another dog (depending on who and when you ask), and while he is a sweet and funny addition to our little family, we've all had to adjust. Shockingly, feeding and caring for two dogs is double the work and money of one. This can be overwhelming, and if I'd had the choice, we wouldn't have taken the new dog. Unfortunately, he's here and he's adorable and wonderful, so it's too late now.

Love: My man and I are working on some issues, and this is an ongoing challenge in our lives, because neither one of us had intact parental models to emulate, so we really struggle to avoid the dysfunctional pitfalls of our childhoods. Basically, we both need therapy that we can't afford.

Family/friends: I joked this week that I should write a book called How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. Chapter one: Become Chronically Ill. People in the real world are starting to forget that I exist, and I am so terribly lonely sometimes, I feel like I can't breathe. Traveling has become harder for me, maybe because of the heat, and going to the city wipes me out for at least a few days, so I've stopped doing it for any social reasons. I'm a mess by the time I get to my destination, anyway. We live at most an hour from most of my friends and relatives, and even though I've issued invitations for them to come see me, I get very few visitors. The internet provides some connection, but it's not the same. I have a huge extended family that gets together at least every few months, but none of them reach out to me, and haven't since I got sick. The difference in social interaction between the first 27 years of my life and the last 7 has been a major shock to my system. When I was well, I felt I had this huge support system, that I had no shortage of people who cared for me and would be there if I fell, but I was obviously wrong, because I have fallen, in fact I'm still sprawled out all over the floor, and none of those people are anywhere around. The isolation hurts more than the migraines, sometimes.

My head: I am so fucking tired of being nauseated. I'm tired of the constant pressure, the stabbing that takes me by surprise and ruins half of my happy moments. I wish I could just have a day off. This last depressive stint led me to all kinds of suicidal ideation, mostly revolving around creative ways to take out the hot spots on my head. It's scary when my brain takes me to these places of desperation, all I can do is cling to whatever I can to make it to the next day, the next hour, the next moment. I made it, this time. I worry that someday I might not.

So, that's what's been going on in my head recently. There have been good things, too, like getting As, spending time with the friends who do remember me, playing with dogs, cooking interesting, healthy, tasty food, going on hikes that leave me sweaty and giddy, and discovering awesome books and tv to take my mind off of my troubles. Life is full of ups and downs, it's about making the ups as up as I can.