Sunday, November 13, 2011

Eye-Crossing, Irritations, Being Content Anyway

I still haven't really gotten anywhere with my school project. It's due in only a week, so I finally caved and emailed my counselor.

I've been trying, is the thing. For the past few weeks, almost every day I've sat down at the computer to look for resources and I'll make it through maybe one possibility before my eyes start crossing from my total inability to make pdfs migraine friendly (I don't know why, but no matter how I change the color scheme, they still hurt). The academic databases we have to work with are really confusing to me, and I'm having trouble finding resources that are current and relevant. Also, I'm having a lot of trouble organizing my thoughts, I was hoping that I'd find some scholarly resources that would help me define what it is I'm trying to say, but with all the confusion and eye-crossing, I'm not really getting anywhere.

All this struggle is triggering some serious emotions, and I think I'm going through more of that grieving they say we all go through when we get ill because for the past several days, every time I sit down to try and work on this project, I end up crying. I'm frustrated, I'm tired of not making any progress on something I'm working at every day, and I'm scared that I can't handle school, that this is how every class I attempt will go. It wouldn't have been this hard before migraines, of that I'm acutely aware.

I have no idea what my counselor's going to say. I don't know what would help. An extension, a tutor? I just hope she has some amazing words of advice because I really don't want to fail. It was the fear of failure that kept me from school so long, if that fear comes true, I'm not sure how I'd handle it.

But, I'm going to keep trying, because I might just pull it out. And if I do fail, I want to have failed while trying my hardest. There's no shame in that.


Otherwise, things are good! The cabin is still progressing, though I think we need one of those time-lapse cameras to see the changes. There's so much to do, and new things pop up every week. Right now, it's the stovepipe to our wood-burning stove. Yeah, it's pretty cold until that gets fixed.

My head's been pretty steady. I still have symptoms every day, from mild to severe (which has been rare since we moved), which last from seconds to hours, but I'm not totally debilitated every day, which is incredible. I can get so much more done here; take a good walk/hike with the dog, do the dishes, some homework, some cleaning or unpacking, and I'm still standing, ready for what's next. There's much less daytime resting here, and when it does happen, it takes much less time and/or drugs to get me back to moving. Though, every time we go back to the city, it's just like old times. I get about an hour before the constant noises, pollution and glare make me irritable, nauseous, overwhelmed, in pain, and totally useless.

The obvious difference in my health since moving up here has made the transition a lot easier. So what if we see our breath in the kitchen every morning? I can wear gloves in the house. And all the mud? Irritating and everywhere and sometimes scary, but dealable with preparation. This place is small, and the neighbors who've seen the inside are baffled by our willingness to live in such a confined, unfinished space. I smile broadly at that; it'd be nice to have a home that required no painting, no roof climbing, and no brush-clearing, one that came with doors in the doorways and unrusted laundry machines, but I'm so grateful for what I have, being able to leave the house every day and be active is by far worth these inconveniences.


How is it November?? I remember looking forward to Halloween, but I seemed to forget this year that it's the only thing holding back the flood of the holidays and now the waters are rising and I haven't even started making my gifts. I wish I could get an extension on Christmas.


jasminepw said...

With so much on your plate, no wonder you're feeling the pressure. I hope you're able to rest where you need to, and not beat yourself up if your class has to be taken again at another time. You're so not a failure :)

Gentle hugs.