Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Feeling Trapped

We all need to vent, right? Well, I try to keep the majority of my outbursts away from here. This is where I talk about my health rationally. If I let myself bitch and complain every time I came here, this would cease to be a safe place. I would no longer even have my pretend control over the situation and my head would explode, maybe even really. But every now and again, I have to let one through. Even though it embarrasses me a little, even though I hate admitting that I whine and feel helpless and useless and am only pretending to be okay with the possibility of living the rest of my life in pain. Because, I bet someone else has felt like I do. That thought overwhelms any self-conscious crap my inner teenager is brewing up and nudges me, nay, FORCES me to expose my most private bits. Because no one should ever feel alone.

Yeah, you heard me, I said nay. Also, I'm not showing anyone my literal private bits.

Enough. All this build up is making me more nervous. Without further stalling, here's a post from my private journal, circa last week, complete with dramatics and pouty faux html.

I'm fighting back tears at the moment. I want to go outside. I want to leash up the dog and stride out the front door with confidence. But I can't.

First, the sun is out. Yes, hat and sunglasses, long sleeves and an umbrella, just in case. I used to be able to walk out the door barely dressed and be able to survive for hours without a shred of discomfort.

B, there are people smoking next to my front door. Yes, I could hold my breath as I walk as quickly as possible upwind. I'm annoyed that I have to. I don't miss smoking. At all.

Tres, my babysitter is unavailable. Meaning, my boyfriend is busy doing something else and I don't feel confident that I'll be able to walk to the store and home with groceries, or even walk the dog, pick up her crap and walk home, without it sucking horribly. I need a babysitter to bend over for me, take the dog if I can't stand the feel of her pulling on the leash, and generally give me a focal point through the din of leaf-blowers, car exhaust, the wax and wane of the thumping bass of the stereos of passing cars, the glare of the sun between the trees, the cloud of barbecue smoke we somehow wandered into, and the suddenly complicated task of paying for groceries. Without a guide, I feel lost and stumble my way home, shaking and nauseous, in pain and SO frustrated. I lose joy in being in the world. I have no reason to celebrate the coming of spring when all spring wants to do to me is beat me into the ground with all the sunshine, pollen and fresh cut grass. But with a babysitter, a guide, I can close my eyes and my mind off, focus on following the back in front of me. I can trust that back to get me through it, to get me back home. I can trust that back to support me if I stumble, or to be a place to rest if I am weak. I take that back for granted and right now I want to go outside and that back is busy doing something else.

Fourth, I have nothing to wear.



WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

Great post, finely written. Wish the world was a headache friendly place.

Sue said...

Thank you for this honesty. It makes me feel less alone in that trapped feeling. Spring has sprung here, but I can barely go into the living room during the day (too bright), never mind venturing outside. I have to wait for the best headache days for that - sometimes the waiting is almost smothering.