Monday, November 16, 2009

A Glimpse into my World on a Bad Day

Today is a day in which I constantly fight off the urge to smash something. First, my head hurts. I don't really want to get into detail about it. Every time I try, I end up pounding on the keyboard in frustration. Nothing has changed. Besides my entire life. I think I'm going backwards through the stages of grief and have landed back on anger.

We're having computer issues. We have two laptops, one is MINE and the other is an asshole. MY laptop refuses to install and use our new internet source, which means I've been forced to use the asshole lately. The asshole seems fine. It starts up quickly, installs and runs programs easily and plays multi-media like a dream. HOWEVER, the asshole has a few keys that are totally non-responsive. Like P. And tab, the left shift and 90% of the number keys. Using the on-screen keyboard provided by windows, I have full functionality on the asshole, it's just extremely irritating to break the rhythm of my typing groove to have to whip out the onscreen keyboard, or to use the arrow keys and delete instead of backspace when I make the inevitable typo. I tried powering through it and fixing mistakes later. It made me feel totally unbalanced, to look at my paragraphs of half-formed words underlined angrily in red. I've started probably ten different posts on the past few days and deleted them all, in or close to tears, totally unable to focus on whatever subject I was on for all of the typos and interruptions in train of thought.

So, I've pulled out MY computer and a usb drive. I'm typing this up, gonna slap in on the drive, plug in into the asshole, connect to the internet and behold: A blog post!

I've also taken some valium.

I've been checking out some new blogs lately. I'm branching out a bit from the headache and migraine crowd and exploring the world of chronic pain and disability. I've made some additions to my blogroll, but am hungrily looking for more. So, if you know of someone or something that I'm missing, let me know.

I'm getting more irritated with the superficial, materialistic, mass hysteria-like consumerism that has infected this country. Also, ableism is really pissing me off. Britain has admitted to kidnapping children. Other dog owners at the park have taught their animals no manners. I live in the middle of a big city, and I have sensory sensitivities. Today is leaf-blower day. I'm having holiday anxiety already. I keep taking it personally when I hear someone say that they think there shouldn't be a public option, as if they are telling me that I, personally, do not deserve medical care. I really hate these bathtub commercials on tv all the time that are supposed to be more accessible (the ones with no step to get in and a door). I can't stop thinking about what would happen if the tub clogged and wouldn't drain. I haven't bothered to research whether they have a contigency plan for just such an event, I'm just being blindly irritated at this point.

It's one of those days, like I said.

My clothes washer is broken. No word yet on how long it'll take to be fixed. Luckily my parents' house is not far, and they have issued an open invite to launder with them.

I've already declared to all interested parties that I am not doing any kind of formal Thanksgiving dinner. I have relatives who will be attending who wear heavy perfumes in spite of my issues. I have suggested a quiet brunch with my parents on the morning of, since my mom has a sentimental thing with holidays. I'll be back home long before football starts. If I'm feeling good enough, maybe we'll hit the dog park, or take a walk. Holidays are a great time to do mundane things, because everyone else is too busy cooking and family-ing to get in my way and make everything all crowded and noisy.

I just started crying for no reason. Sobbing, really. I think it may have been the leaf blowers that triggered it.

Aaaah... The valium is kicking in. I think I'll switch over to editing a more cheerful post, since my rage is slowly draining away.


WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

Have been there with the pain and frustration and tears. You are definitely in the chronic pain category - the blogs have a lot of different techniques. I was told that intense pain can actually "burn" a pain pathway in your brain that won't go away, and I think that's true!

Glad you have valium, it does smooth the way!

Those bathtubs - I have this idea they are going to find old people propped up dead in 'em having their last bath with water up to their necks. Creepy vibes but don't know why!