Friday, October 2, 2009

Fear and New Challenges

I'm scared.

I've had a headache for over two years. In the time, my life has changed so dramatically, I often wonder if I am still the same person. I used to define myself by certain quailities, hobbies, habits and interactions that are no longer any part of who I am. I can't imagine the future. My past torments me, like a buffet of treats being denied to a starving person. It's a flagrant taunt, a tease, the things I used to be able to do. Enjoying sunshine. Staying up late talking and laughing with a friend. Sitting in a theater, unaware of a thing but what is happening on stage, or on screen. Running. Laughing with abandon.

I don't like my life. It's boring and painful.

I can't plan more than a week ahead. We talk about vacationing, going to beautiful places and doing things we've never done before. Then, reality comes back into focus and the conversation ends. Where could we go that I wouldn't bring my headache with me? It's ruined the past two years, it'll ruin every vacation.

There are plenty of treatments I have yet to try, and there will be new discoveries and one day, maybe no one will ever have headaches.

I am simply terrified that it won't happen in my lifetime and I am doomed to a life of sedentary pain.

BUT, I am working on accepting what I can't change and, more importantly, changing what I can. I'm taking steps towards school. One class at a time is the plan, online or telecourses. Slow, yes, but better than nothing. It seems that my disability and income level will allow me to be educated for free, with "reasonable, yet generous accomodations" for my personal challenges. I don't know if I will succeed, only that I will try.

The whole process is not very migraine friendly, frankly. Just like working with the government agencies; fluorescent lighting, hold music, long lines, and pages of paperwork dominate the experience of applying for financial aid and admittance into college. I am looking at it like my first class. It's going slowly, I do a little every day, some days more than others, and I figure that if I can make it through the application process, I should be alright. Apparently, if I have a doctor sign off on my limitations (ie: extra time for assignments, no/less penalty for missing classes, or even a tutor), and the school agrees that I can be accommodated, I'm in.

This is a silver lining that I desperately need. I've got to keep moving, even if it's so little that it looks like I'm sitting still. It's all relative.


WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

I found it very strange the way constant or almost constant pain changes a person. Understand totally, I miss the me that took not being in pain for granted. :(

Stephanie said...

Ms WinnyNinny,

I can't comment on your blog because blogger hates me and embedded comments, but I wanted to tell you that I've been enjoying reading you. I'm bummed for you that your body is giving you such drama, while being thrilled that your stimulator is showing results.

Thanks for the understanding words. It nice to know I'm not the only one going through it.