Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Pushing It

My favorite quality about myself is my determination. I can be a lazy, fickle, unfocused procrastinator. But when I really want something, or if everything is falling apart around me, a will of steel emerges and I get stuff DONE. This comes in mighty handy when my head hurts but we need dog food, for example. I have no choice but to power through it. Or my dog dies.

Thinking in that kind of extreme can help me get on my feet. I'll think to myself, "Get a grip. Pain is only pain. The worst it can do is hurt. But the dog needs to eat. Can't let the dog die. If she doesn't have food every day, I am a bad dog owner. So, take a deep breath, and GET UP!" And most days, I do. Then it's a matter of working with/through the pain to walk, buy, speak, reach, bend, drive, and deal. I tend to count my steps or sing to myself in my head. Or think only of the next few steps in my action. "Go to the register and pay. Where is the money? Back pocket. Am I breathing? Stop hunching. Look away from the lights. Don't walk into the pole..." You get the idea. :) It's all coping skills and survival instincts in the middle of the local urban grocery store. When it's over and I'm finally back home, back in my comfies and tired from all the coping, I am in danger of getting a letdown headache as soon as I sit or lay back down. Best thing to do is get the icepack, a big cup of water, maybe a little caffeine, take some drugs if I have them, and then lay down and be quiet while my head gets revved up. It's no use fighting it, unless I've got a damn good reason, I usually just try to ride it out.

I must anticipate the pain and be prepared for it at all times. But that doesn't mean I'm always afraid of it. I use my determination, my strength of will, my need to experience life and refusal to give up or give in to a challenge to keep me moving. It's always there, my head, but it's not the center of my universe, I am.