Thursday, June 18, 2009

Not Wallowing

Dwelling on the pain is usually the worst thing I can do. Says the girl in her migraine blog of ultimate dwell.

Avoiding wallowing can be difficult, but I'm not making it easy on myself. I keep a detailed headache diary, in a small notebook I take with me everywhere I go. I write here almost every day. I google phrases like "migraine chronic new treatment" and "therapy chronic pain alternative" and "disabled resources california" constantly. Friends and family ask about it. I have to explain it to everybody who wants to talk to me on the phone (because I can't). I consider it deeply with every invitation received. I am always distracted and/or consumed by the neverending headache.

NOT wallowing and NOT dwelling and NOT immersing myself in my head twenty-four hours a day can be hard. I garden, cook, fiddle on the net and watch television to distract myself. I have a few people I spend time with regularly. I have outside interests. But the headache never goes away and it taints everything and I can't avoid it, no matter what I do.

Now that we've established that I am definitely wallowing over here (sigh), let's talk more about how I'm not. And how I'm moving on, or trying to.

In spite of my head tainting all I do, I do it. For example: I went to the beach recently.

It was fabulous. I walked on the wet sand, hunted for cool rocks, shells and seaglass. I frolicked gently with my friends and family.

Also, I make sure to see my parents every weekend, regardless of my head state. It is often painful, but they accommodate me pretty well and are accustomed to me wearing earplugs and walking around with an icepack on my head, so the mocking is kept to a minimum. Besides that, I spend as much time as I can with friends. Which isn't often, admittedly.

At home, I keep myself busy with gardening.

I love my plants, a little too much maybe. I've got zucchini and tomatoes growing in containers and bell pepper, spaghetti squash and grape tomato seedlings waiting patiently for me to get around to transplanting them. I have a bunch of non-food-bearing plants, too, including a few spider plants, a pretty little weeping fig, a gold dust croton, and a daisy bush. I enjoy watering, pruning, propagating, pollinating and inspecting my garden daily and it keeps me from getting too stuck in my own head even when I am at my worst. It's funny, before headaches, I had a real problem keeping plants alive. Now, my porch and my bedroom are filled with green. It's a true and deep love that I've discovered. Getting dirt under my nails, the smell of earth as I water as the sun comes up, the particular shade of green common to anything young and just sprouting, they are all calming and almost meditative for me.

Other than zen-gardening, I knit, sometimes. I play with and train my dog.

I take her for walks or to the park, if I can. I've started taking my camera with me everywhere I go and I've really been enjoying taking photos of interesting things in my path.

I've dabbled in the diy scene. I have cooking binges when I feel good (and freeze the leftovers for when I don't). Other, less productive, hobbies include: online gaming, television/movie watching, idle internetting and writing. I have a boyfriend, with whom I discuss international affairs. And we cuddle on couch. Besides all of these wonderful things that fill my time, there is always some housework to do.

See, I don't have time to wallow. I consider myself lucky to have so many people, places and things in my life to keep me alive, interesting, motivated and happy. And totally uninterested in wallowing.