Saturday, January 30, 2016

Better, Worse, Same

I'm not really here.

I'm having to force myself to come here and write, and even when I do I'm leaving half-finished drafts when I inevitably run out of steam. And what's worse is that I'm essentially rewriting the same post over and over. I see the older drafts, maybe even give them a once over, think, "I could rewrite this better from scratch." Start all over and get confused/distracted/tired at roughly the same place on every one.

So my brain is weird right now, in that sort of unfocused way, but my emotional well-being has been better. I'm unable to get mental health care through my county (I'm not addicted to anything or actively self-harming/willing to be institutionalized for it, and that's the limit of their powers right now) so I've been taking St. Johns Wort regularly and it's been helping with that wave of depression I was getting nearly every month at the end of my periods, the last two (three?) have gone great. Woohoo for emotional stability! I'm so relieved not to be afraid of myself anymore.

My head is not great lately. I always think that winter is easier on me because I don't have to worry about the heat, but the weather changes are frequent this year - thanks el nino - and I'm finding myself planted in my chair far more often than I'd like. The nausea is back, and it's brought body aches with it. I feel like I've got weights attached to my limbs, and I'm sleeping a bit more than I feel is normal for me.

My IC continues to stay under control, I haven't had any pain at all and my usual frequency and urgency remain usual. I am still following my IC protocol, but not nearly as strictly as I was when I was healing. I don't avoid anything entirely but eat only very infrequent, small portions of ingredients that I know flare me, like onion or citrus.

Oops, running out of steam. Is this a complete post? It is if I say it is, so it is.