Update and a Good Decision

Getting back on the vitamin d supplement seems to have perked me up a bit, just enough to be frustrating as all get out when another late summer heat wave comes along and flattens me.

I'm still struggling, but it's gradually getting easier to reclaim my place in the world.

The heat though, ugh it's terrible. Here in the mountains of northern california the weather tends to be mild. Summer daytime temperatures hover between 75 and 90 on our side of the hill while winter daytime temperatures average between 60 and 75. That's not a huge difference, and the changing of the seasons is actually pretty easy on me; because it's slow and gentle my body usually has plenty of time to acclimate before the severe weather comes out. But there isn't enough acclimation in the world to save me on a 90+ degree day and when temperatures get over 100, I can't do a thing but distract myself and wait for sleep.

I am so looking forward to winter, and I can't stop wishing I lived more north, in a colder climate. I worry about dealing with more frequent and severe storms, but what if my daily life was more functional without a hot summer to steal at least 1/4 of every year from me? Dealing with more weather migraines might just be worth it then.

Let's do a symptom round up:

I've got daily nausea going on, but my doc gave me some awesome melt-away pills that really help, and in combination with ginger and that acupuncture point on the inside of the wrist, I'm fairly comfortable.

My head's been pretty good in the mornings, despite the persistent heat-hangover I'm waking with. I've mostly been able to keep up on walks with the pups, which always improves my mood by 99%.

Unfortunately, I'm not getting a whole lot more done than that lately. Bending has been a major trigger, making housework very difficult. I actually paid someone to come help me clean, for the first time in my life, and it was the best decision ever. I needed that money, but I needed my sanity more, so it was a worthy expenditure, even if it does cut into the already tight budget. Ugh, money is the worst.

My back and neck are persistently achy and stiff. My eyeballs are aching right now, but I've been having random stabbing all around my head, more so towards the end of the day. I've still got that twitch. I've been very snappy and that reminds me I need to apologize to my boyfriend.

I'm still very sensitive to loud or grating noise, flashing or bright lights, and strong or chemical smells. I can't stand to be touched on my bed days, which are too often lately.

I've only hit a 10 in pain probably once every three months, maybe less. I end most days at about a 7, though it flows and ebbs and if I'm very, very quiet I can sometimes keep it down to a 3.

Not bad, for summer. I'm so lucky I live in the quiet of the forest, I owe everything I'm able to do to the trees. Redwoods are magic.


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Not Great, Bob

I'm struggling, hence my absence here.

I got a cold a few weeks ago, then it was horribly hot, then i got my period, and my head is not dealing well with any of this. Another heat wave is approaching, just as my period is dying down too, so i've got another week of potential misery ahead of me.

My mental health is not great. I'm anxious and depressed, still having dalliances with suicidal thoughts. I talked to my doc about mental health care and basically the system sucks for those of us in it. If I actually attempt suicide they'll 5150 me and then I'll get treatment. But, this is not an option. The idea of hospitalization makes me panicky to the point where I'd rather suffer.

Everything is a mess. Me, my house, my relationships. I feel hopeless.

See, this is why I haven't been updating. It's all awful and now I'm crying. :(

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