Monday, August 11, 2014


I had a dream last night, the first I've remembered in ages. I was on a glass submarine.

The sub was floating at the surface, in dock. We moved past a huge old steamship, and I goggled at the size of it; I could see the entire girth of it from inside my glass sub, and it was astounding. Then, we dove. The waves crashed against the glass, and then the sub was engulfed entirely and I was underwater. It was murky, and ghostly fish passed by too quickly to be identified. Then there was a coral paradise, like Nemo's home, and it was brilliant and dazzling and I was laughing and crying and giddy with the experience, totally unaware that I was dreaming. And this morning, when I remembered the dream in a surprised rush, I told my boyfriend the tale and felt like I was recounting an amazing vacation story.

I haven't felt that kind of joy in a long time. I've had happy moments, I've laughed and had good times, but lately I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, and yesterday those words formed themselves exactly in my mind. Nothing to look forward to. I can't have kids. Going to school feels like it'll never amount to anything. My relationships are all faltering. I'll never be well enough to really be happy or free.

Writing it out, yes, I can see depression talking, but isn't some of it, at least, just being realistic?

I used to feel so secure in the world. I'm so jealous of myself pre-migraines, I had no idea what I had.

I think that submarine was some part of my brain sending up a signal flare, We need to be amazing again! We need to LIVE! I need to listen. I need to find a path. Or make one.


Migrainista said...

You certainly CAN still live. It might not look like the kind of living you did before migraines but that doesn't mean it can't be great or of value. You are kind and funny. You are a great writer and are enlightened and courageous enough to live with integrity.

I hope that you will find your path so you can start feeling as amazing as you are.

steph said...

Thank you so much for your kind words, migrainista. I'm going to hold onto them like a life raft in a storm. <3

C. said...

Joy. Yes, I miss that.

There is a difference, I think, between living and just existing. For me, especially when the migraines are fast and furious, it's easy to get stuck in the existing phase and never move on to the LIVING. But I think I can do it, and consequently, I think you can do it too. Dunno how. Don't have a map or anything. But recognizing that there is a difference and that I want to LIVE is a good place to start.

I've only read the Bell Jar once, and I don't remember most of it, but this quote comes to mind: "I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart: I am, I am, I am." Affirmation, my friend.