Again With the Marijuana

So, I've gone over my usage of marijuana for pain relief. In real life, I'm not exactly secretive about it, but I certainly don't volunteer the information unless it's necessary. There are a few reasons I avoid the subject of my pain relief. The big one is stigma. I'm already a young woman who accepts government assistance because I am severely disabled by my chronic migraines. I count five reasons in that sentence for the general public to give me the stink-eye. Now I get to be a neurotic, hypochondriac, malingering, pothead? It's just too much for the casual observer to take in without suspicion. Apparently.

Then, there's the party crowd. The custom among them is to share marijuana with any immediate company who wishes to partake. Of course, I never offer mine. First, it's illegal for me to share any of my prescription drugs with another person, whether it's a pill or a plant. Second, even if it was legal, I don't have the cash or inclination to be passing out my pain meds. I need them. For pain.

To avoid these uncomfortable confrontations, which usually end up taking place at the worst times (while I need to medicate), my habit has been to find somewhere private if at all possible, go around a corner where no one can really see what I'm doing. But secrecy leaves a bad taste in my mouth, so I've recently been exploring confronting the situation head on. It definitely takes spoons to explain myself, defend myself, and not show my irritation that ONCE AGAIN I am explaining myself and defending myself, but it's worth it when people get it. And when they don't, well, that's really not my problem. It's legal and I have a prescription. I try to be respectful of other people's discomfort, but also, I'm going to take care of myself without apology.

I feel incredibly lucky that marijuana works as well as it does for me. After the first year of chronic daily migraines with no relief, and useless prescription after prescription, I was feeling pretty low. I just couldn't function through the pain, and I was miserable. I clearly recall the first time I smoked marijuana after my migraines started. It was a normal pain day, and I really hadn't gotten off of the couch in a week. Just a few minutes after smoking, I was smiling and laughing and talking with passion, and it was just shocking because I really hadn't laughed in months.

Marijuana changed everything. Now I'm only suicidal a few times a month, at most. (No, really, that's good.) I can usually keep up with the dishes and laundry. I get out of the house at least weekly without it always being torture. And I'm enjoying things, without the pain having to be the focus of everything. And that feeling, of having pain but it not mattering so much, that carries over into the rest of my life, and makes dealing, the constant dealing, a little more dealable.