Emotions

Some quotes from my personal journal that I deem relevant to the migraine/chronic pain experience:

"I feel guilty and embarrassed every day. I can't clean my house. I can't find a job. Laundry, feeding myself (as minimal effort as possible. maybe a couple slices of cheese for dinner?), and washing the dog are all I can handle sometimes. For weeks at a time.


"When I see friends and family, I feel like they are regarding me warily, as if they are looking for evidence of my illness, some kind of proof. They ask me how I'm doing and I usually respond: good, fine or I'm alright, with as much cheer in my voice as I can force. "How are you" are my three most hated words right now. I just don't want to get into it most of the time. It's depressing. And if I'm out, being social, I don't want to be reminded of the big bad thing in my head that will send me back to my prison of a house sooner rather than later. Cause either it's already here and making me miserable behind the fake smile, or it's on its way and I can hear the hoofbeats in the distance."

"I cope as well as I can. I turn down as few invitations as possible. Which is kind of self-defeating cause I save up all of my spoons for a week just so I can be social for a few hours."

"Just getting dressed and taking a shower is too much for some days. I don't want to tell anyone that. Embarrassed. ashamed. guilty."

...

"I understand how this could be frustrating to have to just take someone's word for it that they are sick, with no visual manifestations to prove it. But why??? Why would I fake it? Disassociating from reality is not at all what I had in mind for my life. I want to be out there, going to the beach, taking a class, working, being productive. I want to be active. All this weight I've put on? Not my favorite. Having a disgusting house I can't show anyone? Humiliating. Amount of control I have over these things? None. At. All."

"I forget day-to-day how bad it gets. Maybe it's a survival thing the brain does to keep you from getting too depressed about the horror that is your life. If I didn't keep a headache diary I might not believe myself. Actually, sometimes, I don't anyway."

...

"The sun is coming up and starting to shine through the bedroom window. abandon bed! abandon bed! heh."